Day 10- The Messy Mile

 

The report about him spread all the more, and great crowds assembled to listen to him and to be cured of their ailments but he would withdraw to deserted places to pray.

Luke 5:15-16

 

Prayer for the Morning Before I Start My Day

Heavenly Father, the earth is quiet right now but my soul is not. When the sun rises, I know it will be time to face the world. Give me the supernatural strength I need to be who you need me to be. To love despite, to love because, to do your will in all things. The world is cruel but you are not. I want to carry your love with me so that I am impenetrable. Lord let me see you in all things, especially those people that are despised by men. Let me be your torch in a dying world, focused not on myself, but on the pain and suffering of others. I offer you my day as a pure and living sacrifice. Set my heart on fire Lord with your love and mercy.

In your Holy name I pray, Amen

Mornings for me start messy. 5 am is still too early. Hallways are still dark. Coffee is still not strong enough. But there is something very sacred about waking up before the rest of the world. Stillness, coffee in hand, one eye open, I walk over to my writing desk to be with Him, every morning- whether things are good or bad.

He is my constant

I do this because of what he has done for me. The way He loves me. For not only the miracles he has performed in my life, but for the gift of new life that he has given me.

I am acutely aware that my number of breaths and ability to sustain myself daily are only as a result of his intervention. 

My circumstance and who I am , who he made me to be have not changed. He did not erase my past. And at least, in this universe, I know that my cross will always be heavy.

One cannot desire freedom from the Cross when one is especially chosen for the Cross.” – St. Edith Stein

I am ok with that. I am humbled by it. Because the thing that almost killed me is the thing that saved me. Without the need for God, these words would not exist.

It is a difficult thing to understand. That the Lord does not take that thing away, does not erase what happened. The imprint on my soul is still there. But that mark is not ugly, I am not broken. That mark is the same mark that exists in His wound.

My savior looks just like me

I am far past recovery. I am free. I put in the work and He promised me that if I did, He would use me. And because as an empath my soul is only filled to its highest capacity while serving others, He gave me grace. He uses me daily. I feel especially used by Him when He sends me one soul. Just one. Though the work that I do in my career often effects many, it’s the “work” that I do within that work that He sent me that allows me to effect a soul. This is when I know that I am healed. This is when I know He loves me just the way that I am.

Jesus  withdrew in prayer because it “sharpened the desires of men for Him,” (Bengel’s Gnomon of the New Testament). He withdrew because He wanted to be found, He wanted the soul to find Him. In my long and often times difficult recovery process, I pursued him like a lover. I refused to let go of Him until I got better, until I was healed. I wanted it more than anything, but more than that I wanted Him. I wrestled with Him for my blessing and He held me. And if tomorrow He took me, there is not one day I would regret. I thank Him for the cross, for what it’s done for my soul, and for what it’s done for the thousands of people I have been able to help as a result of the work that I do. 

Today, if you are struggling, ponder the scripture. Jesus is not withdrawing from you because he doesn’t want to help you- He is withdrawing from you so that you will find Him. You want to get better? Run, don’t walk. Demand your blessing. Be bold in prayer. Fight for your healing. Be the leper.

 

 

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